Celebrity Wife Swap: Meet the Ricardo's and the Mertz's

Author note: I had this nightmare the other night. I wrote it down, then thought, why not share it with my readers!


Ricky: "Ethel, I'm home!"

Ethel: (hands nervously wringing out her apron)"H-hello Ricky! How'd it go at the club?"

Ricky: "Fine. Fine. Where's leettle Ricky?"

Ethel: "Uh ... next door playing with the new kid. I'll go get him."

Ricky: "No, thats aright, dear. Let me read the paper and relax first, you know?"

Ethel: "Of course, honey bun.  I'll fix you a drink, then get little Ricky, then get dinner, and then . . . well . . . whatever comes next."

Ricky: "Whats wrong, Ethel? You sound nervous. (no answer as he sits down and opens newspaper)  Did you say sonthing, sweetheart?"

Ethel: "Oh, no. Everything's fine . . . Just fine."

Ricky: "C'mon you can tell me, sweetheart. I promise I won't yell at you."

Ethel: "Weeellll . . . you're not going to like it, Ricky . . . Why don't you just relax and I'll get your drink." (she starts to leave)

Ricky: "E__thel? Come here. I hear sonthing in your voice I don't like. What did that crazy red-headed Lucy do this time? Rob a bank?"

Ethel: "Weeelll . . . not exactly."

Ricky: (alarm, eyes bulge worse than the battle) "Not exzactly?  ETHEL, I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW WHAT HAPPENED TODAY!"

Ethel: "Weeelll . . . it was sort of like this—(interrupted by doorbell. Vastly relieved) Oh, that must be Lucy and Fred. We'll talk about this later, hon."  (She hurries to door. It is Lucy and Fred. Ethel falls all over herself welcoming them in. Lucy raises an eyebrow)

Lucy: "Ethel, what's the matter with you?"

Ethel: "Uh . . . uh . . . nothing. Ricky and I were just talking about my day." (she makes faces trying to send Lucy a message to keep quiet)

Lucy: (quickly nods and skips over to Ricky).  "Hi Ricky. You know, Ethel and I were saying not too long ago how much we like your new song. Can you sing it for us?"

Fred: (grumpily) "Hey you two, Ricky just got home. Leave him alone. Can't a man relax in his own home without you women always yakking it up?"

Lucy: "Ah shut up, Fred. This has nothing to do with you."

Fred:  "Haruumph! It doesn't, does it? So I suppose living with you every day doesn't make me an expert."

Lucy: (ignores him) "OH what a simply gorgeous chair, Ethel! Where did you get it?"

Ricky: (slams paper shut) "Aright, aright, aright! It is obvious you two have been up to no good. (turns to Fred)  Do you know what it is they are keeping from us?"

Fred: "No. Lucy doesn't confide in me, Ricky. I might as well be invisible."

Ethel:  (smarmy)  "Maybe if you weren't so short, dumpy, and bald she'd notice you more."

Fred:  (outraged) "You take that back, Ethel Ricardo!"

Lucy: "Yeah. You take that back, Ethel Ricardo! He may be dumpy, but he's my dumpy!" (puts arm around him)"

Ethel: "Oh really? That's not what you told me today, Lucy Mertz."

Lucy: (hands gesticulating wildly in an up and down motion)  "Ethel, now . . . now you just keep quiet. I did not say anything bad about Fred."

Ethel: (smarmy)  "Oh . . . Then why do I recollect you used the word 'skinflint' several times when we were shopping today?"

Lucy:  (eyes narrowing) "And I guess the word 'tight wad' didn't come out of your mouth about Ricky."

Ricky: (throws paper to ground in disgust) Oh Dios mío ¿qué eslo que hice para merecer esto. Yo no puedo venir Inicio sin ti dos creando problemas.  ¡Un día de éstos, voy a tomar a pequeño Ricky poquito en unas vacaciones de verano y abandonarle dos para luchar entre ustedes!

Lucy: Huh? . . . (eyes narrowing, hands on hips) And just what does that mean, Mr. Ricardo?"

Ethel: (hands on hips) Yeah, Ricky! Just what does that mean?"

Fred: It means abandon all hope ye who enter this apartment.